The Trouble With Netflix.

Starting (and maybe ending?) with just trying to find a show, randomly.

My relationship with Netflix as a consumer of its goods has never been very satisfactory, if you will. The main reason remains unchanged — there’s too much stuff and Netflix does a rather poor job of telling me about it.

None of this is exactly new. Or news. But I recently did a cold-start with the streamer — just like a lot of people do every day. By cold start, I mean that I turned on my TV and opened the Netflix app without any specific goal — other than to find something to watch.

Do not try this at home.

Now, mostly people hear about a series or a movie first, either in the media or from friends who have seen it. Some mention in the ether, somewhere. In that scenario you have a name — let’s say “The Crown” or “Squid Game” or “The Gray Man,” whatever you want — and you go to Netflix with that name and in most cases, especially if it’s not a super popular title, you won’t see it on your Netflix homepage. Everybody’s algorithm is a little different (if you’ve ever watched Netflix at someone else’s house, you know this). But because you have the name of the show you heard somewhere, it’s like a key. Just insert it and you’re in.

Uh….

A cold start is none of that. Let’s say you’ve seen “Squid Game” and, unfortunately, “The Gray Man” and you’re three seasons behind on “The Crown” so you’re not going to watch the new season quite yet.

No, you’re in a situation where all you want is for Netflix to tell you what they have in their library. But despite the allegedly most advanced algorithm in the streaming game, Netflix has been notoriously bad at this, precisely because it has too many shows, which is the actual business model of the streamer. “We are a giant universe with everything in it. Come look around. It will take you forever and you’ll probably go to bed before deciding on anything, but you can come back tomorrow and try again.”

Here was my most recent experience: Netflix was pitching me “The Crown,” first and foremost. OK, I get that, but I am also the person who isn’t caught up, so that’s not for me.

Under the next tier, “Only On Netflix” was, in order:

1. “The Crown.” Ahem.

2. “Peaky Blinders.” I love that show! But I’ve already finished all of it.

3. “Enola Holmes 2.” Well, for starters, I have no interest in watching that movie and I haven’t even seen the first one, if there even is a first one (I’m assuming there is and — shocker — I didn’t know about it).

4. “All Quiet On the Western Front.” Hmmm. Normally, that might hook me. But normally there’s not a land war in Europe so excuse me if I don’t want to watch something about the horrors of war.

5. “Inside Man.” Wasn’t that a Denzil Washington movie I kinda wanted to see about a decade ago? Uh, no. I’ve never heard of this “Inside Man” and so I watched the trailer and I’m not interested.

6. “FIFA Uncovered.” A documentary on soccer’s corrupt operating group. I wouldn’t rule it out, but not in the mood.

7. “Dahmer.” NO.

8. “Enola Holmes.” Oh, the original movie? Sorry, still not interested.

9. “Stranger Things.” Nope. I mean, I tried. I did love the first two seasons and then I tried and tried but I couldn’t watch anymore. Maybe you love it and that’s fine. I don’t like horror very much and if I’m not mistaken they are hell-bent on using every horror trope invented, yes?

10. “Ozark.” Oh, hey, excellent show but also not new and I’m also behind (which is maybe why it’s on there? I don’t know). But I was looking for something fresher.